How to Get Your Toddler to Stop Hitting (7 Strategies That Actually Work)

Quick Answer: When your toddler hits, respond immediately with a calm voice: “I won’t let you hit. Hitting hurts.” Remove them from the situation if needed, acknowledge the emotion behind the behavior (“You’re frustrated”), and give an alternative (“Use your words” or “Hit this pillow instead”). Toddlers hit because they lack impulse control and language skills—not because they’re “bad.” Consistency, emotional coaching, and time are what stop hitting.

Why Toddlers Hit (It’s Not What You Think)

Your toddler isn’t hitting because they’re aggressive, mean, or poorly parented. Hitting is developmentally normal between ages 1-3, and understanding why it happens is essential to stopping it effectively.

The neuroscience behind toddler hitting:

The prefrontal cortex—the brain region responsible for impulse control, emotional regulation, and understanding consequences—won’t fully develop until your child’s mid-twenties. At age 2, it’s barely functional. Your toddler literally cannot control their impulses the way adults can.

When a toddler experiences big emotions (frustration, anger, excitement), they feel an overwhelming urge to act physically. Without developed language skills or emotional regulation, hitting becomes their default outlet.

Common reasons toddlers hit:

• Frustration: They want something and can’t get it or can’t communicate their need

• Overwhelm: Too much stimulation, tiredness, or hunger

• Testing boundaries: Learning what happens when they do certain actions

• Communication: They don’t have words for big feelings

• Excitement: Even positive emotions can come out physically

• Attention-seeking: Any reaction (even negative) is still attention

• Imitation: They’ve seen hitting (on TV, from other kids, or in play)

Understanding these causes helps you respond effectively rather than reactively.

The Immediate Response: What to Do When Your Toddler Hits

Your response in the moment matters more than lengthy explanations or consequences given later. Here’s exactly what to do:

Step 1: Stay Calm (This Is Critical)

Your emotional reaction teaches your toddler more than your words. If you yell, grab, or hit back, you model exactly the behavior you’re trying to stop.

Take a breath. Lower your voice. Keep your face neutral or serious—not angry.

Why staying calm works: Toddlers feed off your energy. A calm response de-escalates the situation. An angry response escalates it.

Step 2: Stop the Behavior Immediately

Physically intervene if your toddler is hitting someone. Gently but firmly hold their hands, step between them and the other person, or pick them up and move them away.

Use simple, clear language: “I won’t let you hit.” or “No hitting. Hitting hurts.”

Keep it short. Long explanations don’t register with a dysregulated toddler.

Step 3: Acknowledge the Emotion

Separate the behavior (not okay) from the feeling (valid).

Say: “You’re really frustrated that she took your toy. I understand. But I won’t let you hit.”

This teaches your toddler that feelings are acceptable while actions have limits—a critical distinction for emotional development.

Step 4: Offer an Alternative

Give your toddler something TO do, not just something to stop doing.

Alternatives to hitting:

• “Use your words. Say ‘I’m mad!'”

• “You can hit this pillow, not people.”

• “Stomp your feet when you’re angry.”

• “Come tell me when you need help.”

Step 5: Follow Through Consistently

If hitting continues, create a consequence:

• Remove them from the situation (“We’re leaving the playground because you hit.”)

• End the activity (“Playtime is over because you hit your friend.”)

• Create space (“You need to sit here until you’re calm.”)

The consequence should be immediate, related to the behavior, and consistently applied every time.

7 Strategies to Reduce Hitting Over Time

Stopping hitting isn’t just about managing incidents—it’s about teaching skills your toddler doesn’t yet have.

1. Build Emotional Vocabulary

Toddlers hit partly because they don’t have words for their feelings. Give them language.

How to teach emotional vocabulary:

• Name emotions throughout the day: “You look excited!” “That made you frustrated.”

• Read books about feelings

• Use emotion faces charts

• Play feelings identification games

• Model naming your own emotions: “I’m feeling frustrated right now.”

As your toddler’s vocabulary expands, they’ll have alternatives to physical expression.

2. Teach Self-Regulation Skills

Help your toddler learn to manage big emotions before they escalate to hitting.

Simple regulation techniques for toddlers:

• Deep breaths (“Let’s blow up our belly like a balloon”)

• Counting to five slowly

• Squeezing fists tight, then releasing

• Finding a calm-down spot

• Hugging a stuffed animal

Practice these techniques during calm times, not during meltdowns. The more they practice when regulated, the more accessible these tools become when dysregulated.

3. Notice and Praise Non-Hitting

Catch your toddler being good. When they experience frustration and DON’T hit, acknowledge it.

Say: “I saw you were really mad when your tower fell. You used your words instead of hitting! I’m proud of you.”

Positive attention for good behavior is more effective than negative attention for bad behavior.

4. Identify Triggers and Patterns

Track when hitting happens. You’ll likely notice patterns:

• Time of day (before naps, when hungry)

• Specific situations (transitions, sharing, certain playmates)

• Environmental factors (overstimulation, noise, crowds)

Once you identify triggers, you can:

• Address underlying needs (hunger, tiredness)

• Prepare your toddler for challenging situations

• Avoid or limit problematic environments

• Provide extra support during trigger times

5. Model Non-Aggressive Problem Solving

Your toddler watches how you handle frustration, conflict, and anger. Be intentional about modeling healthy responses.

Model these behaviors:

• Using words to express frustration

• Taking deep breaths when upset

• Walking away to calm down

• Asking for help when overwhelmed

• Resolving conflicts peacefully

Avoid hitting, spanking, or aggressive play—even playfully. Toddlers don’t understand “play hitting” versus real hitting.

6. Ensure Physical Needs Are Met

Hitting increases dramatically when toddlers are:

• Hungry: Blood sugar drops affect emotional regulation

• Tired: Sleep deprivation worsens impulse control

• Overstimulated: Too much noise, people, or activity

• Under-exercised: Physical energy needs an outlet

If your toddler is hitting more at certain times, check the basics first. A well-fed, well-rested toddler has more capacity for self-control.

For help with common toddler challenges like sleep, see our guide on toddler sleep regression. For nutrition tips, check out our healthy toddler snack ideas.

7. Create Opportunities for Physical Release

Toddlers have enormous physical energy. If they don’t have appropriate outlets, that energy can emerge as hitting.

Physical outlets for toddler energy:

• Running, climbing, jumping

• Dancing and movement games

• Wrestling with pillows or cushions

• Banging on drums or pots

• Kneading playdough

• Outdoor play daily

Active toddlers are less aggressive toddlers.

What NOT to Do When Your Toddler Hits

Some common responses actually make hitting worse over time.

Don’t Hit Back (Including Spanking)

Hitting a child to teach them not to hit sends a confusing message: “Hitting is wrong, but I’m hitting you.” Research consistently shows that spanking increases aggressive behavior rather than decreasing it.

Don’t Overreact

Big reactions—yelling, long lectures, dramatic responses—give hitting too much power. Some toddlers will hit more because the reaction is interesting or gets attention.

Don’t Ignore It

While you shouldn’t overreact, ignoring hitting entirely teaches your toddler it’s acceptable. Every instance needs acknowledgment and redirection.

Don’t Shame Your Toddler

Avoid saying things like “You’re a bad boy” or “Only mean kids hit.” Shame doesn’t teach skills—it damages self-esteem and can actually increase aggressive behavior.

Focus on behavior, not character: “Hitting is not okay” rather than “You are not okay.”

Don’t Give In to Demands

If your toddler hits to get something and then gets it, you’ve taught them that hitting works. Even if you’re addressing the hitting, don’t reward it by giving in to the original demand.

When Hitting Happens with Other Children

Hitting other kids adds social complexity and parental embarrassment. Here’s how to handle it:

At Playdates

1. Intervene immediately—don’t wait to see what happens

2. Comfort the child who was hit first (this also shows your toddler that hitting creates negative outcomes)

3. Address your toddler calmly and firmly

4. Model an apology: “Let’s tell Sarah we’re sorry for hitting”

5. If hitting continues, end the playdate: “We’re going home because you can’t stop hitting”

With Siblings

Sibling hitting requires the same immediate intervention, but you’ll also need to:

• Avoid comparisons (“Your sister doesn’t hit”)

• Give the hitter attention for positive interactions with their sibling

• Create opportunities for positive shared experiences

• Ensure each child gets individual attention to reduce competition

At Daycare or Preschool

Communicate with caregivers about:

• What strategies you’re using at home

• What triggers hitting for your child

• How they’re handling incidents at school

• Whether there are patterns to when hitting occurs

Consistency between home and school accelerates improvement.

Age-Specific Expectations

Hitting behaviors vary by age, and your expectations should too.

12-18 Months

At this age, hitting is exploratory—babies are learning cause and effect. They don’t understand they’re hurting others.

Focus on: Brief, consistent responses (“No hitting, that hurts”) and redirection.

18-24 Months

Frustration peaks as toddlers want independence but lack skills. Hitting is often communication.

Focus on: Building vocabulary, teaching “gentle hands,” and managing frustration triggers.

2-3 Years

Toddlers understand hitting is wrong but still struggle with impulse control. They may hit when overwhelmed despite knowing better.

Focus on: Emotional vocabulary, self-regulation techniques, and consistent consequences.

3+ Years

Most children significantly decrease hitting by age 3-4 as language and emotional regulation improve.

If hitting persists or intensifies after age 3-4, consult your pediatrician—it may indicate a developmental concern or need for additional support.

When to Seek Professional Help

Most hitting resolves with consistent parenting strategies. However, seek help if:

• Hitting is increasing in frequency or intensity despite intervention

• Your child hurts themselves or others seriously

• Hitting is accompanied by other concerning behaviors

• Aggression persists past age 4

• You feel unsafe or unable to manage the behavior

• You’re concerned about your own reactions to hitting

Your pediatrician can evaluate whether there are underlying issues and refer you to specialists if needed.

Frequently Asked Questions

Is it normal for toddlers to hit their parents?

Yes. Parents are the safest targets for big emotions. Toddlers often hit parents because they feel secure enough to express their worst feelings without fear of abandonment. It’s actually a sign of attachment—though that doesn’t make it acceptable behavior.

How long does the hitting phase last?

Most toddlers significantly decrease hitting by ages 3-4 as language skills and emotional regulation develop. However, this requires consistent intervention. Without teaching alternatives, hitting can persist longer.

Should I make my toddler apologize after hitting?

Forced apologies don’t teach empathy—they teach compliance. Instead, model apologizing yourself and encourage (but don’t force) your toddler to show care for the person they hurt. Genuine empathy develops over time.

What if my toddler only hits me, not others?

This is common and often means your toddler feels safest with you. Keep your responses consistent. The skills they learn with you will eventually generalize to other relationships.

Is timeout effective for hitting?

Timeout can work if implemented correctly (brief, boring, immediate, consistent). However, many experts now recommend “time-in” (staying with your child to help them regulate) as more effective for building skills than isolation.

Does watching violent TV cause hitting?

Media exposure to violence can increase aggressive behavior in young children. Limit screen time and choose programming without physical aggression. Avoid “play fighting” cartoons—toddlers can’t distinguish play violence from real violence.

My toddler hits when excited, not angry. Is that different?

The impulse is the same—physical expression of big emotion. Respond the same way: “I know you’re excited, but no hitting. High-fives for excitement!” The behavior needs to stop regardless of the emotion driving it.

Will my toddler become aggressive if they hit now?

Toddler hitting doesn’t predict future aggression when addressed appropriately. Children who learn emotional regulation and alternatives to hitting typically become less aggressive over time, not more.

Teaching Gentle Hands for Life

Hitting is a normal but challenging phase of toddler development. Your toddler isn’t destined to be aggressive—they simply haven’t developed the skills they need yet.

Your job isn’t to eliminate all hitting immediately. It’s to consistently teach alternatives, build emotional vocabulary, model regulation, and respond calmly every single time. Over months (not days), these lessons accumulate.

The toddler who hits today can become the child who uses words, takes deep breaths, and walks away from conflict—with your patient guidance.

For more support with toddler behavior and development, explore the Kokotree app—designed specifically for toddlers and preschoolers, with activities that build social-emotional skills through play.